1LT A. Parker Scott
HHOC, 629 MI BN
OJF, Eagle Base
SFOR7

Article Written for Company Newsletter

In order to better facilitate our transitions from Bosnia to America, and our eventual reunions with our families, we in the HQ Platoon have composed this helpful guide:

WHEN TRAVELING:   You are no longer required to show up at the airport the day before actually flying.  When you see a plane or helicopter, it may not have missile racks, guns, and fuel pods hanging under the wings, so do not be alarmed.  These aircraft will be identified not by the names Fighting Falcon, Mirage, Eagle, Apache, Kiowa Warrior, Hip, Halo, or the like.  They will be identified by plainly written text like United, Delta, US Airways, Virgin Atlantic, etc.  Reminder:  You will actually have to pay for your ticket too. 

Special Note:  If the Army tries to send you home with tickets on the Concorde, quickly volunteer

For SFOR-8

 ARRIVING AT YOUR HOME:   Expect that it will still have most of its windows and doors, your neighbors will not have been replaced or ethnically cleansed, and that you can actually walk on the lawn without fear of a landmine or UXO.  Houses without roofs are probably in the stages of being built, so you do not need to report them or interview the neighbors. 

OPERATION HARVEST:  It’s alive and well in the States, and they actually give money for the weapons the populace turns in.

POLICE:  When you see that the police have stopped a speeder, you do not have to report it as an illegal checkpoint.   If you notice that they are behind you with their lights and sirens on, they outrank you this time, so you’d better pull over.  If, while driving, you hear a backfire, remember to tell the police officer who has stopped you for speeding, that you were only accelerating out of a sniper-fire danger zone, and that you were going to slow down after one to two thousand meters, check yourself and the other occupants, and send in  a SPOT report.

FOOD:  It is advised that if you do not like something that you have been served, it is best not to throw the whole plate in the trash can and demand per-diem from your spouse.  Also, when there is nothing to eat for a meal, it is your own fault.  When it’s time to go to the market, try not to tell your spouse that you are going for a LOGPAC.

CURFEW:  If you want to stay out past 2000 hours, you do not need to create a risk assessment three days in advance and have it approved through your chain of command.   If you forget your front-door key upon returning home, it is advisable to not kick it in or throw a grenade to open it.

CONVOYS:  If you want to go to the store,  it is not necessary to tell your spouse, “ Honey,  I’ll be the convoy commander in the lead vehicle, you will be trail vehicle, and we will communicate on xyz frequency.   It is also not necessary to have your combat lifesaver bag, tow-bar, a case of water and MRE’s with you.  Do not have your spouse mount your squad automatic weapon (SAW), or your M2 .50 Cal. out the sunroof of your car.  It could scratch the paint.  For those of you who must travel on the DC beltway or the Baltimore beltway, it is still recommended that you wear your Kevlar helmet at all times.  If you travel in California, it is important to remember to wear your flak vest while on the freeway.

YOUR CAR:  You do not need over-watch protection for your vehicle, and you do not need to “Z” out your radio (this could be costly).  If you back up into something, or have a mirror strike, do not yell at your spouse for being a lousy TC.

RELATIONS WITH THE PUBLIC:  You must be tactful with the inhabitants of your home country, adapt to their customs and refrain from the habits which you have come to love so much while you were in Bosnia.   It will be best not to wear your Battle Dress Uniform to every social function.   If you must, remember to polish your boots, lest people look at you funny.   People wearing a shirt that states “University of XYZ,” may actually have gone there, and may even know where it is.  Someone wearing Versace clothing, may actually have purchased it from the Versace store in Sarajevo.   If you see someone wearing a “USA” t-shirt, they are definitely still a foreigner, so run right up to them and say, “DOBAR DAN.”   If you issue a challenge to someone, and they do not know the password, it is not necessary to open fire.

FRIENDS:  When friends come over, you do not need to ask to see their SFOR Identification.  They should still clear their weapons at the door though.  If they ask for directions to your house, give them a street address, not an eight digit grid coordinate.

ANIMALS:  You may play with your dog, cat, horse, whatever.  The restrictions prohibiting you from playing with the wildlife are still good ideas though.

PAYCHECKS:  Wait a little while before telling your boss that you should have a reinstallment bonus for coming back to work.  Remember that the Combat Zone Tax Exclusion does not apply in the U.S.

TELEPHONE:  When answering a telephone, it is not necessary to say, “Molim.”  And then you don’t have to say “Roger,” “Over,” or “Out.”  Chances are, you won’t need to grab an interpreter either.

GENERAL:  When back in the U.S., take care not to talk too highly of the paradise existence we have enjoyed in Bosnia in case everyone wants to come here and spoil it.